.. to the quiet chaos driving me mad

when i started blogging this was easy - i always had something to say, i always knew what to write. it has become difficult and its driving me crazy. so many thoughts go on in my brain, i want to write about them but sometimes this is not the place. i've created a blog with one intention but i feel i ruined that the second i told anyone about it. 

some blogs are fashion blogs, some are diaries, some are to create awareness, many are lifestyle. this blog is a lifestyle blog - my life, my style... i write about anything in my life worth writing about. i find writing about my days easy - especially when there are pictures involved. writing about books i love, my opinions of controversial topics, holidays i spend with the people that matter to me  -  these are easy. what i find most difficult to write about are my thoughts and/or feelings. when writing about feelings it is important not to come off as some crazy, unstable, psycho girl craving attention. trust me.. thats hard! its hard to write about "feelings" without me sounding like some lovey-dovey, emotional wreck trying to get attention online from virtual strangers. im serious here - thats not the kind of person i am and its not the kind of person i want to be online either. in all honesty, i am  extremely emotional, overly sensitive, melodramatic - whichever term you choose to use - but i am in no way emotional (and on the verge of being unreasonable) to strangers or even distant friends - i save that for the people closest to me.

i guess im justifying this: the fact that im not writing as much is become emotionally there is way too much going on in my life.  the science student i am cannot organize the thoughts nice and lyrical like in order to smartly place them here (so to not come off as overly dramatic). i choose therefore, to not get overly emotional here. i choose not to write about what is personal yet constantly encapsulating my active thoughts. 

"a good man"

i asked you if you were a good man, you gave me the wrong answer. 

the answer is not it's one's own perspective. the answer is not it depends. the answer has nothing to do with comparing you to another man, silly. the answer need not be yes, but should be proud. the answer to my question said by a good man should be positive and hopeful. 

a good man cares, learns and reasons. a good man is open to opinion and difference. a good man loves and respects, is stubborn and has believes. a good man seeks enjoyment and understanding. a good man notices, observes and analyses situations. a good man supports and inspires. a good man has passion, a goal, and a desire to do well. a good man is real, proud and honest. a good man is loved by many, in many different ways. a good man is everything i've listed here and much more.. in you my dear, i see a good man.

"waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. be one" - Marcus Aurelius

we all try to climb up the same ladder..

"i wish that i was strong enough to lift not one but both of us.. someday i will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us."

this is a powerful song. 

ive been thinking a lot recently about how fortunate my family, my friends and i are.  we have money, education, shelter, clothes, jobs, paycheques, cars, healthcare and clean drinking water. we have books to read and mandatory schooling. we are able to care how we look and how we dress. life it not hard for us, how can it be? what if we didn't have these things. why do we ever feel we are better than the poorer people, the less educated, the people without clean drinking water? why do we think we have the right? it makes me feel sick knowing we carry these attitudes yet they are almost daily. sure we struggle. we struggle with death and depression, eating disorders and alcoholism. we struggle with hate and embarrassment, heartbreak and abuse. maybe the fortunate ones are not happy, but in no way is life hard for us. we have the means necessary to make us happy and healthy and we brag we have it and do nothing with it. 

waking up..

someone important got me thinking. 
its morning and you wake up, either alone or beside someone who is still asleep. whats on your mind when you are not in a rush, when you have time to just lay there? when im laying in bed and the sun is shining through the tiny separation between the beautiful homemade curtains covering my window, im thinking how glad i am to wake up. i love waking up when i have the option to sleep, the option to lay in bed for a few hours and do nothing. when you wake up to the sound of an alarm its not the same. alarms usually mean you have something to do, somewhere to be.. you cant just lay in bed and think. when i can lay in bed and just think i definitely do. i think about my day, who i want to spend it with, what i want to do. i think about somewhere new i want to go, somewhere to walk guinness or vacation to. i'll listen to the birds, the rain, the sounds of the morning. i'll think about getting up and making coffee but often like the idea of laying there a bit longer better. i plan to enjoy the day, do things i love, not stress.
i can't imagine not waking up positive. i dont think i am able to wake up unhappy. sure i can wake up stressing about my day, or i can wake up and want to go back to sleep because i am so tired, but i can't imagine waking up and hating it.. waking up and wanting to go back and sleep forever.
in a perfect world would everyone wake up with dreams and hopeful ideas?


"One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar" - Oscar Wilde




*i am aware my selection of quotes does not always align with my posted words, but these quotes i enjoy or have taken something away from*

.. but we gamble with expectations

when people disappoint you, what is the reasoning for that? is it that your expectations of them are too high or is it that their actions are not at par with what the general population (society) would expect in that particular situation? have you ever wondered that? sometimes amazing and important people in my life disappoint me and im trying to figure out if i am to blame or them. i honestly hate being disappointed with people.. but on occasion it happens. if i can avoid it i want to. maybe my expectations are too high of them.. maybe i shouldn't expect you to take my favourite movie into consideration when determining what to watch. maybe i shouldn't expect you to remember i hate carrots and ribs. maybe i shouldn't expect you to hangout with me once in a while without your boyfriend "conveniently having failed plans" tagging along. maybe i shouldn't expect you to listen to my favourite band on car rides or tell me your "big news" first. maybe i shouldn't expect you to read the emotions on my face before you act. 
or its entirely possible that in these situations, these individuals are not living up to what is normal behaviour. maybe when it comes to movie selection you are stubborn and selfish and this is the reason you wont let my favourite movie be an option.. in that case.. give over it.. you win some you lose some.. i watch movies you like all the time! maybe you remember i hate carrots and ribs but are trying to prove a point that i should cook for myself.. do that some other way please! i was having an extremely bad day that day and there was nothing else in the house i could make.. maybe you need your boyfriend there at all times of the day because no one is as important as he is.. well i'll tell you what.. that attitude will make you loose many friends.. and maybe its normal to expect that you'd tell me certain information before you tell anyone else.. we have been through a lot together haven't we?.. oh and when it comes to reading my emotions.. if you know me at all.. you know my emotions are capitalized and bolded on my face.. if you care i'd say its reasonable i expect you to read the emotions written on my face and act in a way that coincides with what you read.. no?

"expecting is my favourite crime and disappointment

is always my punishment" - anonymous

for the thinkers..

i love thought provoking questions. i love questions i have to think about or create an answer to. i like when the question makes me question things that i dont often think of. so anyways, while im supposed to be working on assignments and studying for exams i was definitely stumbling around the world wide web and found a website with some interesting written thought questions.
some of my favourites:

think about the answers to the questions :)

since humans are amazingly complex.

im just going to throw thoughts out on this blank screen right now. 
i am so curious about people, about their lives, about their thoughts. i've probably mentioned this before but i want to know it all, as in i should have studied psychology. instead i studied kinesiology.. which is studying human movement, anything physical. i know how the body physically works. i can pretty much name all 206 bones in your body and give me the right instruments i can even tell you the rate at which your body uses oxygen, the water content of your body and even whether or not you have an abnormal heart condition. if you have lost sensation anywhere on your body i most likely would be able to determine which of your spinal nerves is being compressed (or damaged) and i can properly bandage a sprained ankle or dislocated shoulder. sure my degree is extremely practical but how can i understand humans if i haven't studied the psychological aspects. this i find most fascinating. i know we are all physically different.. but psychologically i think differences between humans are impossible to understand.  i dont even think each one of us can properly understand the way our own brains work enough to explain it thoroughly to anyone. if i were to explain how im feeling right now, how im thinking.. im pretty sure words such as frustrated, hopeful, curious would come to my mind. that is how i would describe them but really these words are subjective (as many descriptive words are). does frustration bring on the same emotional or physical reactions for me as it does for terry or my sisters or anyone else? and describe the intensity? whoa.. that just got confusing.. and it also brings on my next curiosity.. how different will two people in the same situation feel and think. i'll use an example of two people in a relationship.. if one in the couple is independent and one is completely dependent.. how would each be affected in a semi-dependent relationship.. maybe the independent individual is more stable.. they would be fine if the relationship drifted slightly more towards dependent while the other may be unable to bear a more independent relationship (or vice versa). does this make sense? maybe not. i cant explain it more, i cant explain my thoughts in a way everyone would understand because its impossible to verbally (or through typing) discuss every factor that comes to mind when these questions come to my mind. i think my point is.. its hard to understand people fully because i find it hard to understand myself fully. its not a morbid thought.. i think people get by fine and can be entirely happy without fully understanding everyone or anyone they know, meet or love. we are all just complex and i love it and hate it all the same.
*first post in a while*


enjoy your sunday <3 

on trust..

trust comes so easily to some while it seems next to impossible for others. what is it that makes that happen? is it a difference in personality alone that makes some people trust and others not trust? is it experience or exposure? or maybe its choice. how are we able to trust a complete stranger and sometimes not able to trust a close friend?
i tend to trust people easily, probably too easily. its like i start out trusting and only when someone breaks the trust do i not trust them any longer - once this happens it is hard to get back. i guess its positive way of looking at people, trust and relationships but this way of thinking does have a strong potential of getting me hurt. i mean, as of yet i haven't been overly traumatized by trusting easily. people in my life, people i have been exposed to in these 24.5 years on earth are mostly amazing.. sure there are a few sketchy ones that i probably shouldn't have trusted but they probably didn't matter enough to hurt me anyways. i can't imagine being skeptical of everyone i meet.. wondering why they want to know what they inquiry about me and whether the information, if told to them, will come back and bite me in the butt. i think that would stress out even more then my crazy brain already stresses if i was skeptical of trusting people in my life. although i am was over analytical, breaking everything people say and do into a zillion pieces to figure out what they are actually trying to convey, i do trust easily. maybe trusting easily is like a form of self destruction, a potential disappointment in society or a naivety of life - but it is what i do and its worked out for me so far.

poetry

i was thinking today about great writers. not necessarily famous writers - well known or legendary - i mean people who write letters, emails, notes and blogs so beautifully. these people are intellectual, they think, they are smart. words are powerful and im just beginning to fathom this fact. i've always enjoyed reading books and academic literature but my love of reading came more from the love of the story. a love for the place the author was taking me and guiding my thoughts, a love for the knowledge i was gaining from the information i was reading. only recently have realized i love words and the messages the words on a paper are relaying to me. i have more of an appreciation for how creatively and artistically writers put words together. 
today i went to the bookstore. i went to get my coffee and walked around the bookstore for a while. i ended up in the poetry section. poetry, really? ive never ventured to that section of the bookstore before. i spent about 30 minutes in the section, pulling out a few books and reading a poem or two from a few writers. poetry is one of those things ive never really appreciated very much and its probably for the reason i just mentioned above. i decided i want to read some poetry. see if i am able to appreciate it. e.e cummings, dylan thomas anyone? 

new years resolutions.

ive had a few people ask me about my new years resolution. it's a common question around early january, people want to know what others have challenged themselves for the new year or what ambitions others have of themselves. actually, i find it extremely hard to make new years resolutions. when do you begin to think of them? if someone tells me early december to form some kind of ambitious goal for myself for the new year, is that enough time? is that how it is supposed to be done or are you supposed to create these "new years resolutions" in january? goals are created as ambitions change. what i want for myself in january.. will they be the same in august? if you don't complete these goals or tasks by december of that year should this be stressful or disappointing? i guess we could use the numerical year as a due date as long as we know it can be adjusted if necessary. since i dont want to give up on goals i create in january at the beginning of the year and have not completed by december at the end of the year, i prefer to create any goals as i carry out life throughout the year. i understand why sometimes setting a year's deadline for these goals is a strategy for structure and organization, sometimes a fresh start to a new year. i'm just not very successful at making new years resolutions, id rather make goals throughout the year and leave it up to daily matters to map out deadlines as goals are accomplished and checked off my mental checklist. 

bask in your uniqueness

hey you. im me and i like you as you. we are different people and we think entirely different, thats part of the appeal. i like intelligence and thought, i want your own opinions, not my recited back to me. dont find quotes you think i'll like, find quotes you like and tell me why you like them. don't read books because i love books, tell me what you love instead of books. you dont need to have the "in" on my favourite tv shows or like my favourite seasons, i find comfort in knowing you have your own passions, joys and guilty pleasures. feel free to judge my opinions, dislike them, disagree with them.. just dont change yours to conform with them.

chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.. 

my obsession.. 

maybe

im glad ive learned this.. your turn

did you know that people often make judgements about you within 10 minutes of meeting you, sometimes its even three minutes. this is important! first impressions make decisions. who are you friends with, who will you hire, who do you want to work with, who do you want to babysit your kids? first impressions help make these decisions. but first impressions can be the least thought of if you have the opportunity to show a different impression next time. sometimes people wont let you, after a bad first impression they go to ultimate avoidance and dont give you the opportunity. i dont think ive ever really thought too much about first impressions until this year, where i have suddenly developed this determination to change a groups impression of someone else.

this year im in a new program at school and i swear it is the most diverse group of people ever. it is also the most cliquey group of individuals i know.. basically everyone chose their group within 1 day.. maybe 2 days of classes and sit with that group in all our classes. im one of them, i'll admit (and i love the group i sit with).  we are however, placed into work groups in each of our classes and these groups are normally not chosen, they are assigned in some way. as much as it sucks to get a bad group, i think its a great way to un-clique (or un-click.. if you are american). so anyways.. there is this guy (i'll call him tim) who i have gotten to know fairly well and of course hes that guy who so bluntly does not care. my friends in class think hes dumb, he never shows up to class, he seems arrogant and thoughtless, lazy and snobbish. hes that guy that has to express his opinion in every class he actually does show up to and has the laissez-faire attitude that everyone hates! in social situations he is a complete jerk! but.. when you are forced to work in a group with him and actually have a small group or one-on-one conversation with him.. anything but lazy, thoughtless and arrogant present itself. hes creative, smart and funny. hes also an amazing writer, which i like. hes interesting and thoughtful. it just sucks that he acts so careless, developing bad judgments by everyone else. why tim, why!? when i meet a person like this.. i want others to see him this way too! but the only thing i can say to my friends is that they have to give him a chance.. i cant change their opinions even though i want too so badly. and i cant change him.. i cant tell him to be nice to everyone, attend class and just drop his opposing opinions once in a while!

i can't change anyone and i know this, but im creating an awareness.. in order to truly judge someone you need to give them more then one chance. giving them one chance to impress, i can guarantee, will result in you missing out on some of the most amazing people. some people surface act in social or stressful situations but its not who they are 96% of the time. try to talk to people one-on-one if they will let you.. judge them fairly on who they are, not how they appeared the first time you met him. you are doing your self a favour this way.  

they say when you're not lonely alone, there's something wrong..

solitude is defined as the state of being alone, the remoteness from

 habitation or a lonely unfrequented place

despite the stated definition, this picture/quote makes so much sense to me. when willingly in solitude, sitting on a bench at my favourite lookout or sitting in a small coffee shop before anyone else has woken from their nights peaceful sleep, i feel far from alone, even though by definition, i am alone. id define solitude more as peacefulness; without distraction or interruptions; clearheadedness and simplicity.

id more likely feel alone when in a place far from remote, in a popular place and surrounded by people.

just the way you are

"when you love someone more than he loves you, you'll do anything to switch the scales. you dress the way you think he'd like you to dress. you pick up his favourite figures of expression. you tell yourself that if you re-create yourself in his image, then he will crave you the same way you crave him.".. 

"when you are told you are someone you aren't over and over, you begin to believe it. you live that life. but you are wearing a mask, that one day might slip off if you aren't careful. you wonder what he will do when he finds out" - Jodie Picoult in Vanishing Acts

i love books and love owning them but i find that they are only worth keeping when you get something out of them. when books have a powerful message or line that really stands out, these i define as keepers. these are the books i will keep on my bookshelf and read again, whether it be the whole book or just the line in mention. although a book can reveal a writers talent, sometimes its one sentence in a book that is able to capture a true glimpse of just how talented a writer is. 

the line from the book above - has meaning to me. im sure it has meaning to a lot of girls. at some point you have tried to change yourself to be someone you are not, to be accepted or to be liked. you try so hard to be that someone and when you are still not liked by this guy or accepted by those people, you try harder. eventually you will either break and no longer be able to be that "fake" without revealing the true you or.. you will not be able to draw the line between the real you and the "fake". 

to be honest, i dont even know how to explain the tendencies of people to feel this way, to want to be someone they are not, just to be liked. is it messages from the media that cause this?  or is it just that people are mean? there is no one answer, i dont think. i just think its important to love and accept others the way they are and not try to change their appearance, their interests or views, their religion, their style. if you were never told you could or should be any different then you are, maybe you will avoid people who you do not mesh with (people who would be likely to change you) because you'd never try to change because you never have felt you needed to. 

so spread the action - dont try to change anyone to please yourself. if someone is different, accommodate the difference in your life so he or she does not need to be different then they are. maybe after you've realized you shouldn't try and change who anyone is, you will realize you can't change who you are to please someone.

via* weheartit*

such ambition never fails to amaze me..

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." - Sylvia Plath


I really like this quote.
Sylvia Plath is the author of The Bell Jar which is a book i just finished reading about a young girl, a girl prime of her life and interning for a fashion magazine in new york, who begins to experience a mental breakdown (and sever depression). the book is actually a semi biographical description of the authors life.  my description of the book is really besides the point (you should just read it).. really i just appreciate her quote. 
read it.. doesn't it make you think?.. you really can't do everything you want in life so i guess we are best doing what we want when we want it because our feelings of wanting something will never cease to exist. if you want something now in life and you are convinced you have never wanted anything so bad in your life.. you have two options: get it.. or dont get it.. my suggestion is get it because at that point it will make you happy.. yes its true that in 5 days from that day you may not want it anymore but you will never know. maybe you will still want it maybe you wont. and why do we want? why do i want ice cream when i know it makes my stomach hurt, why do i want to keep buying new books when i have a bunch i haven't read. honestly i always buy multiple books at a time and am equally excited to read all of them, but then while im reading one, i buy more books and suddenly im so excited to read these new ones and no longer interested in reading the ones i bought before.
i dont know, this quote just makes me think.. 
i have this friend and he always makes me think about things like life.. not in a depressing way but in a questioning way.. there are so many questions to ask about life and i sometimes like that it is up to us to find answers.. they dont come easy. as sylvia plath said, 'we are so limited'.  i think we live to experience. to experience emotion, physical and intellectual stimulation, but each person  has different limits or restrictions and these limitations are sometimes based on geographical location or even physical build. certain individuals cannot experience a snowflake falling on their tongue simply because they do not live in such climates and do not have the financial means to go to such climates. this is only one example of how limited we are to experience everything life here has the potential to offer.
yup just some thoughts id put to paper (or computer)..

character is not inherited

have you ever done something you wanted to do and people are like wow thats so out of character? well i hate that. what is character? if character is me, i probably create my own character and therefore if i do something unexpected it is probably 'in my character' to do it. does that make sense? i understand sometimes, if you have someone whose morals are intact and they suddenly do something ethically/morally wrong.. you may be shocked by what they do, and yes possibly believe it is not something they would usually do. this i guess would be a more serious situation. im referring more about when you wear something new, maybe trying a new style and people are like wow i would never picture you wearing that.. and they say it in that judging way of why are you trying to be someone you are not. hey people.. if im wearing it, it is now part of my wardrobe and just because i normally dont wear it, it should not be ruled out of who i am and what i wear. again, we invent who we are as we go. we know whats right and wrong, but sticking to what is right why not try something new once in a while, whether it be a new haircut, a tattoo or piercing, writing a blog, dressing different, finding a new hobby. do it if you want. i like being me and i like doing new things and having new interests :)

options are unlimited. be creative with yourself.

"change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life" - anonymous